Survival

Symptoms of Abuse, Manipulation, and Narcissism

This is a hard section to read, especially if you’re trying to decide if these even apply to you. Take your time, don’t be alone, and give yourself grace while you process. It may take a few days to really click. Process with friends, journal, or if you have a therapist, bring it up. These behaviors are never okay. It is not your fault someone is treating you this way. You did not invite it upon yourself, you didn’t “ask for it” and you are not responsible for someone else’s actions.

Signs of abuse:

Attacks you self worth and criticizes you constantly
Controls your appearance and who you spend time with, acting hurt when you choose others and slowly isolates you from friends and family and forces you to ask permission for everything
Do not respect your personal space i.e. walking in while you are changing, showering, using the restroom, excessive tickling, play fighting that goes too far, tickling in inappropriate places.
Poking at your body and making comments, forcing you to change in front of them so they can “check you for things” and/or using the excuse “I’ve seen you naked a million times it doesn’t matter” (primarily guardians use this one.)
Shares sensitive information about you without your consent
Shuts down conversations
Gaslighting
Crossing boundaries (physical, emotional, sexual, etc) and forces you to compromise your morals
Constant monitoring and controlling what you pursue in life and what you dream of in life. Controlling when you eat and sleep
Stopping you from seeking medical treatment
Threatening your loved ones
Damaging belongings
Touching you constantly and not paying attention to normal boundaries (walking in while you’re showering, checking your chest or genitals, randomly grabbing you disrespecting personal space) commenting on your body and inspecting it, criticizing it, or mocking it.
Withholding affection or acknowledgement in order to punish you or get their way
Resuing to use protections in sex, controlling birth control or sabotaging it
Forcing pregnancy or abortion
Demanding sex, forcing pornography, insulting you sexually, harming you during sex without consent
Preventing access to your bank accounts, giving you an allowance (this applies to adults not children unless the money is explicitly yours) stealing your money, refusing to help financially with things like rent, food, childcare etc
Demanding to look through your devices and messages and pressuring you if you ask for privacy saying things like “what are you hiding that I can’t look at your phone?”
Hitting, punching, throwing things at you, pinning you down and causing bodily harm.

Symptoms of a narcissistic tendencies and manipulation:

Tell you that you’re too sensitive/emotional
blame others for their mistakes and refuse to take responsibility for their actions
One sided conversations focused on material/superficial things.
Invalidation, manipulations (it’s always my fault, I’m a horrible mother, well you do the same things you can’t judge me), judgmental and talking at you and not with you.
Gaslighting: denying they did something, somehow blaming you, pretending to not understand, making you seem like you’re crazy or not remembering correctly, pretending to forget what happened, denying promises you know they made, trivializing the other’s feelings, and making sweeping statements that make you feel small. It’s based in control and to avoid feeling in trouble and is a huge tactic to keep a leg up on you.
Using you (especially minors) as their emotional punching bag or a way to process personal things, like their sex life, marriage problems, past abuse, etc. If you are a child, this is not something you should be dealing with.
Turning you for their emotional and physical needs to be met i.e. projecting their emotions into the room and baiting you into checking up on them so they can unload their emotions on you.
Using “Well you do it too” when you call them on things that hurt you like yelling, calling people names, or slamming doors.

If you are in immediate danger, call 911. Get out of the physical vicinity of them if possible to cut off the emotional, physical, sexual abuse. Sometimes because of isolation that is impossible. If you can, speak to your doctor next time you are there and request help. Most government agencies (libraries, fire stations, police stations, court houses etc) will happily keep you safe and get you help.

Interacting with Abusers, Manipulators, and Narcissists

No matter how valid, the best thing to do is avoid matching the abusers energy. Yelling, talking down to them, accusations and making extreme comments will only make it harder for you to find safety.

There are a few ways you can interact with people in these categories. Depending on the severity you can practice “I” Statements. This is a way to keep your requests from sounding like an accusation. Example, instead of saying “You’re always coming into my room without permission.” Rephrase it as, “When you walk into my room it makes me feel uncomfortable.” This creates a sense of you expressing your feelings rather than attacking the other person, which can help to keep abusers from exploding.

This doesn’t mean you need to roll over for them. If possible you can set hard boundaries without speaking aggressively. One simple boundary you can use if it is safe for you is this one. “I want to listen to you but when you yell it makes me feel scared and uncomfortable. So, I’m going to go cool off and when you’re ready to talk, we can sit down and try again.” or “I cannot have conversations after dinner because my brain is tired and it makes it difficult for me to sleep. If you want to talk about something, let's do it before we eat so we both have time to relax after.”

If you have a bit more freedom you can set boundaries like “I do not appreciate when you do not knock before coming into the bathroom or bedroom. I’ve bought a couple locks for both so you can have a reminder and I can feel safer when changing or showering.” This one could be dangerous, so obviously, pay attention to your situation.

Another technique is called “gray rocking.” This is the practice of disengaging from a narcissist and becoming unaffected and not responsive to triggers or accusations. It’s a fine line to walk, because you can’t shut down completely. It is similar to putting on a dead expression. The reason behind the technique is that abusers feed off reactions, so when the reactions are no longer there, their power decreases.

Stay neutral and disengaged
- Neutral expression
- Un emotional responses
- Limited body language
- Avoid eye contact
- Use breathwork to stay calm
Don’t give them your attention
- Disengage from the conversation
- Talk about simple things like the weather
Keep interactions short and sweet
- The longer you’re with them the more they’ll be determined to get to you. It also leaves room for escalation. (Obviously this is difficult with guardians and family.)
Don’t give away personal information
- They want to know your inner workings so they can use them and have more power over you. The less they know the better.

It is not for every situation. The goal of gray rocking is to de-escalate a situation and maintain boundaries. However sometimes this only escalates toxic behavior and may result in the abuser using more coercive strategies to manipulate you. They may begin invading your personal space to make you feel threatened or humiliate you in front of your peers.

The process of gray rocking is essentially turning off and boxing away your emotions while you are interacting with the toxic person. A safety net you need to create for yourself is having a safe space to unpack those emotions once the situation is over. The technique is not advocating for you to suppress your emotions and continue with life not feeling. Give yourself space to feel somewhere the toxic person cannot find you or see you, and have a few trusted friends who can sit and process with you so you don’t feel like you’re going insane. A big tactic of narcissists is to make you feel like your emotions are lying and you are overreacting. So having people who can honestly tell you whether you are overreacting or not can be the best course of action.

Couch surfing sucks but sometimes it’s better than staying there.

One of the biggest tips is to log your abusers behavior somewhere that cannot be accessed easily, usually a well hidden notebook. Track their episodes, when they typically use substances, get angry, come home and leave, and log every time you think you are being tracked, stalked or cyber stalked. Do not keep it in digital devices as it is easily accessed through cloud, stalker apps, or simply going through your phone.

if you have the means, buy a prepaid burner phone (a phone with minimal voice or data services, which are designed to be used sparingly and should not be attached to any shared credit cards) with cash, so you can contact your support network without being tracked.

Especially for minors, have a go bag ready if you need to get out quickly and find ways to get extra cash to help you out. Put the basics like some clothes, toiletries and any other necessities. Have some friends you know will keep you safe and not tell your parents where you are, and try to keep yourself sane and out of the house.

This is not an all encompassing list.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed and considering suicide, call 9-8-8 for support. It sucks, we’ve been there. You’ve got this. Runaway.org will respond to you and help out as well. click here

The National Sexual Assault Hotline can help as well. Click here

Finding Trackers and Stalker Ware

Cars

Trackers will typically look like a small box with a magnetic side. It may or may not have an antenna or a light on it, and may have some sticking out wires. It will be small, usually three to four inches long, two inches wide and an inch or so thick. Be sure you have a flashlight for peeking into dark spaces in your car. You may also want to purchase an electronic sweeper as well as a telescopic mirror.

Places it could be

any of your wheel wells, check underneath the rear of the car, go pretty far because it’ll be just as dirty as the rest of the car and can be hard to see. Check your bumpers and under the hood. If it’s under the hood it’ll have to deal with a lot of heat and other problems so it’s less likely but check anyway. Check the grill of your car.

It’ll be crammed in any discreet place someone can find. Check in your trunk and spare compartments back there, under the driver and passenger seat, and under the dash. If you’re under the dashboard you may need to remove a cover depending on you make and model. Look for a magnetically attached device although usually under here they are wired. Check for modules of wiring that aren't neatly wrapped into the vehicle’s harnesses. On the passenger side the glovebox can usually be removed to look for tracking devices. Be careful though under the dash some can have remote starters or power door lock modules wired in. Before removing those, check the brand name or model number and research it online. It may be a component you don’t want to remove.

If you can afford it there are electronic sweepers that find radio-frequency transmissions or cellular signal transmissions and let you know it’s there. Some tracking devices only operate while in motion so have someone drive your vehicle around while you scan for trackers. If you can afford it you can also ask a professional such as:

Alarm system installers
Audio system technicians
Remote start installers

Licensed mechanics specializing in electronic systems
Some may even help you for free if you explain the situation

Phones

Signs of Stalkerware

Note: Most of these can be signs of bad wifi or a very old phone, but it’s still good to check and reset your phone to keep things clean.

Audio distortion during calls i.e. clicking, static, echoes or distant voices. These can happen if the other caller is on speaker or bad service. If you think there might be stalkerware on your phone its a good idea to reboot or factory reset your phone.
Increased data usage. Abnormal spikes in data usage can be spotted by checking your billing statements from prior months and comparing them.
Longer response times in text messages sending, apps opening, or slow internet usage.
Rapid battery loss. Unused apps and open web pages can also drain your battery and spyware will only increase that.

To solve the issue you can

Create new logins from a secure device and not used the compromised device to log into those apps and services
Factory reset your phone, trade it in, or buy a new device. You might opt for a basic phone without smartphone functions
Download a mobile spyware scanning app such as Intimate Partner Violence Spyware Discovery (ISDi), or Certo Anti Spy for iOS or Certo Mobile Security for Android
Know your phone carrier’s privacy solutions
Check to make sure your general GPS on your phone is disabled and double check privacy settings

Photo Metadata carries information in photos such as which device was used, time, date, and location of the photo. Apple gives the option to turn off location when sharing photos by clicking options when sharing a photo via iOS photos app. You’ll see setting which include location. Tap the slider next to location to exclude the location data. Android does not have this feature but the texting app WhatsApp automatically removes the metadata from any image sent. (a phone with stalkerware installed can collected data via the microphone or camera even when in airplane mode)

Computers

It is impossible to completely hide your tracks but the things below can make it extremely difficult for amateur hackers. Sometimes it's better to use a device they can’t access like a library computer, a friend's computer, community centers or domestic violence organizations in your area.

Computers automatically save a list of pages that you have visited in your internet history and cache files.

You can clear history by going to your web browser and clicking on the three dots in the top right corner. There it’ll say history. Click on that, and on the left there should be a bar that has clear history near the bottom. Click on that and make sure it’s clearing all the data you want it to.

To clear your cache go to the three dots click on more tools and click clear browsing data. Select the time range you want to clear and click the check next to cookies and other site data, as well as images and files and then click clear. This is based on google but other websites operate similarly.

To prevent cookies from saving on your computer change your privacy setting on your internet browser usually located in tools or options menu

You can turn off your AutoComplete function so that your computer won’t remember things you’ve typed before

To check if your computer has spyware you can

Go to windows security then click virus and threat protections, and click the quick scan button. If you want to be more thorough you can click scan options and choose full scan
There is anti-malware software that can scan your computers further into the hard drive and remove any threats.
Avast One is free and can be used on computers and mobile devices. You can also set up periodic checkups to run in the background and scan your computer on a schedule.

Staying Sane (sort of)

We’ve said it multiple times but track your abusers and stay out of the house if you can.

Now more than ever, pay attention to yourself and what you need emotionally and physically. It can be difficult but find ways to practice self care, be it buying a new face wash, getting a crowbar and breaking apart wooden pallets (surprisingly liberating), or go stargazing.

Find places where you aren’t in fight or flight. It can be a creek behind a park, a closet in your house that you deck out with lights and a pillow or two, or your friends couch. Just give yourself a place where you don’t have to worry that someone’s going to come around the corner and attack you.

These all sound like pretty basic ideas, but it’s good to reiterate them. Escapism is fantastic, but can take a toll on your brain. If it’s the only thing you do you might just have a fun little spiral. go punch something. Just not a person. find ways to scream and cry and throw things where no one gets hurt. You can put old plates in a ziplock bag and smash them, you can grab a crowbar and go ham on some old wooden pallets, either tearing them apart with a mallet and the crowbar or just breaking the wood with no plan whatsoever. (be safe about it.)

This sucks. Big time.

Journal, make stupid videos of you ranting, write music, throw things, just let yourself be angry. There aren’t a lot of safe places for you to think and feel (which is a whole other fun rollercoaster) so creating those spaces for yourself is important.